You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
