I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
