Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize