I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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