So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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