if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
