Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
