Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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