If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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