Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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