Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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