Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
