you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
