The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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