Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Me too!
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
