if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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