remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
