Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Randomize
