where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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