I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
