I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
