god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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