I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
