a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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