i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize