i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
