my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Randomize
