people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
