so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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