How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
