Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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