yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
