upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
