i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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