just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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