I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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