so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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