I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
