Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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