she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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