Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
