She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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