i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
