Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
