i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
