corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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