The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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