do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize