Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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