Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize