It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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