he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize