I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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