i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
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