Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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