I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
