Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
