Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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