Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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