My nipple is on Facebook.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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