I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
