she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
