at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
