stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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