cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
